开发信持续改善中！！又写了一封，欢迎点评！！！

hommy

做外贸的都知道一封好的开发信对把握机会是非常重要的，然而好的开发信不是一天可以写出来的，它是在不断的实践与修改中得到完善的。对于刚刚涉入外贸行业的新人来说，开发信的难度不小。所以有望各位中国的前辈和同行对本人的开发信进行点评，使其得到不断改善。
这是本人几天前写的一封开发信，得到了中国里面各位热心的外贸同行的中肯指点，为了有对比的效果，先放上做对比。
PS:我们公司是电池的制造企业
Dear Mr. ××××××,
We get your name and email address from your trade lead on ****** that you are in the market for *****.We would like to introduce our company and products, hope that we may build business cooperation in the future.
We are leading global supplier for portable power for more than fourteen years. We have the most complete products ranges included rechargeable batteries such as Ni-MH & Ni-Cd, Polymer Li-ion, Li-ion and battery pack, primary batteries such as Li-FeS2, Li-MnO2, Li-SOCl2 and chargers.
The strict quality control system guarantees the quality of our products, and we are the supplier of PHLIPS and Vetch. A strong R&D team is the most powerful backing of our development. Furthermore, our price is very competitive because we are manufactory, we are the source. You are welcome to visit our website http://************ which includes our company profiles, history and the products.
Should any of these items be of interest to you, please let us know, We will be happy to give you details.
Best regards,
******
针对该开发信存在的没有特色，突不出重点，较冗长，较书面话，不够专业等问题，现将其做整体修改，以下是修改后的版本，请各位中国人继续指点
Dear ******,
We get your name and email address from your trade lead on ****** that you are in the market for *****.We would like to introduce our company and products, hope that we may build business cooperation in the future.
We have the most complete products ranges in China, including rechargeable batteries such as Ni-MH & Ni-Cd, LiFePO4, Polymer Li-ion, Li-ion and battery pack, primary batteries such as Li-FeS2, Li-MnO2, Li-SOCl2 and chargers. We not only provide you the products, but also the total portable power solution.
Our price is very competitive because we are manufactory, we are the source. Furthermore, the quality is perfect, and we are the supplier of PHLIPS and Vetch.
You are welcome to visit our website http://www.greatpower.net which includes our company profiles, history and the products.
Should any of these items be of interest to you, please let us know. We will be happy to give you details.
Best regards,
Stella
[ 本帖最后由 hommy 于 2008-9-17 11:20 编辑 ]